Smiles..circles..rain...water..life..happy..

Ripples painted across the sky,
stretched like a curtain with dreams to hide,
apathetic,shadows crawl across the land,
eyes shut, to windows open wide.

Mama, I saw a hole in the sky,
gaping yellow,screaming, burning in red,
it called out to me, spinning a web of hope,
promising me of worlds im yet to see.

Curling around my feet, slowly glides away,
drops rolling off finger tips, back to where they belong,
whispering secrets, keeping me safe,
a drifter, aimlessly, drowning me in his songs.

Father this world wasnt meant for me,
these marble floor's hurt more than broken pebbles do,
Its thoughts flow against the waves in my head,
these hearts are to cold, and theyr freezing me too.

And their hands just feel water, not the life it contains,
Dont you see how the wind can teach you to fly?
these hands wish to write,and this mind to learn,
fingers wish to crawl around in paint for awhile.

And I can make lives on this sand, give meaning, give hope,
paint faces and words upon rocks that burn,
draw souls out of mud and bodies out of thread,
and they'l still have a heart more willing to learn.

And i cant breathe as they choke me with their static minds,
tied tightly in silver threads. with cheap mettalic glow,
these spikes are getting closer father, your walls will crush me to death,
I think its time, you let me go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Delirium...

Lines, crosses, creeping across the floor,
dodging, misery, tears, my eyes now evade,
Vines curl around bare feet, apathetically shrug,
as words of love etched in fog, now begin to fade
.Watch the world evanesce, doesnt sting my eye,
as long as i have you beautiful, so i can play beast,
but pulled away from my fingers,im unable to sustain,
so just give me novacaine,and sing me to sleep.
Poisoned, spinning, till lips touch the ground,
watching days break down, like grey winter leaves,
seconds rush by my eyes,insanity wounds and blinds,
but my lips only twist to smiles, and slowly part,
to breathe.

3 am...

Its maybe two or three in the morning....i wouldnt know...i dont these days...its just hurting me so much...every second that i spend in this shit hole called home..and there is no one..no one left..for me to break out on .. everyones pretty much sick either ways.. you are perhaps all i have but i couldnt ever do that too..couldnt ever try..cause it would hurt you too much..and i wudnt do that now would i? im not capable of it..plus it might just drive you away too..who knows? who knows?..but it hurts..this thing inside me...and its breaking...and everything ive worked with before to relieve me of this madness.. ive given up on..im sick of the blade..and the pills..though i pop them in every hour or so..and its getting tiresome getting high on crocins and other fucking analgesics..sick sick sick..i wanna shoot something....i wanna catch someones neck and strangle them till they cant breathe...or maybe just for someone to sit me down and smack me across my face and push some bloody sense into this head..now a sane logical person would say i should stop crying shut the fuck up and go to sleep....as my eyes scour my room....i dont see a sane man..i dont see a strong shoulder to break down upon...i went searching for that an hour ago...but i cant talk anymore..the way i used to..i just dont feel it in me..neither do i feel the patience or keeness to listen anymore..and my eyes keep spinning..hopingg to perhaps find something anything..maybe just pop out of nothingness...and hold me...or satisfy these voilent thoughts..or something but..all i see..sadly... all i see is this..perfectly normal...perfectly calm expressionless somewhat pretty kohl eyed sitting crosslegged..unflinching as i throw my tumbler and try to break her..

Place to hide...

Running across silver roads,
Bedizen, with broken autumn leaves,
my eyes have only feared, the impavid and true.
a mind laced with cowardice, desiring veneration,
O' ugly caitiff stranger,
I'm running home to you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Running...lost..confused..just another time when all i long for is a hug...just a huge hug to drown me and make me forget about all this shit..about home..about the fucking brainy kids at school and the fugly guys in mumbai...bloody perverts... and i just cant name anymore things..my head is aching...aarrrrrrrgghh.....and that stupid gwen steffani is shouting some shit in the background { me = suicidal?? noo } not realy..just wondering how...how on earth did she get gavin ..i mean..its gavin gavin for godsake..how could a man so gifted with the perfect..perfect well EVERYTHING be so ermm poor in guessing that he could get more.. aaarrghghg,,,,and yesh i know ..uve guessed im bored by now..and..WTF where is my hug.where are you..where are you dammit...yesterday was so beautiful...and i wish i could dance like a fool on the streets everyday...could you come now..its today already...hold me..and swing by those streets? slowly..as water and pepsi flies ? please? i need you love..i really do...really do/.... im going crazy..hug me..hug me i say...yes i know you are afraid..would be if u were reading..thats why i dont let you in here XD aaawww..why couldnt u live with me everyday..get the whole blaady group dammit.under my bed...i swear il throw some jujubes from time to ti,me.. do any of yall fucking read this?? damn..

Saturday morning...

I'm scared, I'm really really scared..and i have lost this battle mother..the one against you i have given up..and the rest...well i have lost them all...
And all i can do is sit in this corner and watch the light fade while i crumble to pieces in my bed...singing the night away so the hollow darkness wont swallow me in...i dont want to be there..i dont want to be there...not in that place..where no one would get close..sadly, right now.even i dont wish to get close to myself,..and i cant stand to look at the ugly mirror anymore..it haunts me..really does..even after its smashed and broken under my foot...and...
I dont know..how much longer il have to say this...but i really need you..to take me and run away from this place..or maybe just be here..or visit..or call..or think of me..or remember me...do you?? do you know who i am? that im writing this for you?? that i long to see your face evey moment every day..that i stand for what seems like ages as i watch u drive away??dont you want to come home, to me?

and i sit next to the window staring all day...not wishing to listen to the answers, the closed empty gates tell..

Iris...

Bathed in moonlight, blissful shimmer,
swishing, silently, as gentle as the breeze,
dance sweet love, only for my eyes to see,
dance to the tunes of my sweet release.

Sparks in your smile, secrets in your eyes,
locked safe within me, protected from harm.
your touch sweet purgatory, words pristine,
soul divine, as water,dancing in my palm.

And I'd give up forever to keep you.
to watch every smile ,hair flowing onto your face.
And if all i did get were my eyes to hold you.
id still take it as a joy that none can replace.

And I'd trade every penny to touch you,
so my heart was the only thing that felt your skin.
And the void in my head and the black in my eyes,
would be filled with the fire you burn within.

And id abandon every love, or follower ive had,
to hear your voice echo through this home we've made,
butterflies twitter fiercely, soul dies of ecstacy,
as your songs heal the curses of my silver blade.

And if all i had was a sword and a match,
I'd slash every throat,burn the ground on which they grew.
I'd stand alone bruised, trapped eternally in a void,
if i could only own, a part of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will always love you

and as cliche or superly hallmarkish or whatever it may sound...you give reason to my existance..couldnt live a second without you..and i wont..you know i wudnt...our breaths shall stop together..or shall move forever on..but nothing else...nothing else would do.

Silence...

Sweet love, you are only killing me with each word you say..
and even more so with each word you dont..
And tonight i lay here in the emptiness of my mind..hopeless and insecure..
how could i not be?i havent eaten in days..havent slept well either...
i dont breathe anymore like i used to..but im still happy love..still as happy as happy can be..
and why shouldnt I be? why should i be? i dont know the answers to either...and these voices..they dont help me anymore...and these voices..they dont scream..and theze voices havent been guiding in awhile..but it was fine..but now...neither do you..neither do you..



~ to nothing..nothing at all..

Chasm...

Songs floating , through hollow spaces,
echoing mildly,they bring this life back,
lights daze my eyes,warming cold skin,
inside my mind, it only fades to black.

Ripples flow away,like dreams on a kite,
Breathe a second longer,itl all be gone away,
lips part and close,with words that dont escape,
Pursed, confused, wouldnt help either way.

Drops trickle down,nails painted in grey,
another sweet illusion, of pure silver shine.
cursed with a smile, raise my head and breathe,
black eyes enchanted, sparkle, no longer blind.

Traces of your mind,floating through this void,
skin tingles with your breath, useless, unfelt.
Run my hand along waters,running down the roof,
drowing in serenity, begining to melt.

Wet mud below my feet,slipping slowly away,
raising higher with the wind and a soul that cannot rest,
lips pressed against sky walls, world untouched by words,
smile as the thoughts turn to vapours of nothingness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Light..

Bring me. bring me into the light...as i lay here...thinking of you today....and ive only wished..only wished..that you'd be mine and mine alone sometimes when i am overcome by the selfish bitch that i sometimes am..ive only wished sometimes you wouldnt be loved..sometimes it made me happy when you said the others despised you..but i swear it was only cause i thought it was my chance to fulfil everything youve lost..to give you everything youve never recieved and more..and in turn perhaps recieve a lil..a lil love..

and now i sit here with my arms wide open down on the broken floor..and watch you walk by me as though you never noticed..kicking past as the wind gets chilly and you dont offer your coat here any more..

and i know..that i may never get you..and never get anyone...and i may never fall in love..never again if i have loved without knowing..cause im too scared...that once i do..youl probably just run over me..and not even pay me the slight nod you do now...i fear that it would probably be the case with everyone and anyone else..but only cause i fear..only cause i fear..and fears do materialise dont they?


And then this nagging question in my head..Do you love me? do you? like you say you do.. i have you with a handful others saying that they do every other day..whenever theyr eyes happen to fall upon my face by mistake.. and now and then there are these happy arguments of who loves who more....and i might be the worlds biggest pessimestic paranoid idiot right now when i say this but..are they just to shut this shit up?

and i cant..cant help but feel insecure..i can help feeling the way i do..i cant live for my bloody god darn self or pleasure..no im not saying im a sacrificing saint but i cant live until it makes someone happy..i cant live until it makes someone feel loved..i cant live happy..until i feel it..until i feel that the air i breathe is doing someone else some good..

but im still smiling..im still smiling now..and the laughter in my head is reaching a point where it sounds like i have lost every bit of sense that ever resided in that lonely place..but maybe not..maybe im finally seeing things clear for once jus once in my life..maybe now..i know one thing.I dont know love..i have always been this child...i have always been this fool who smiles at the stupidest things..and who cries for reasons worse....

but this time..it isnt stupid..this time it makes sense..i guess..cause i know now....il always have someone to love..il always have someone to pray for..il always have somone to stand behind....and this time on..il try not to wish that you fall...just so thay you see me catch you..

Like...

Like a thorn, uneeded..
Like a raindrop, that rolls off your face..
Like the wind, you fear..
Like a shadow, without a trace..

Like a flame, that never warmed you..
Like the sun that never shined...
Like metal that broke ,with the slightest touch..
Like a diamond, turned black with time...

Like the words etched in water..
Like graffiti you could wipe away..
Like tarnished platinum shining bright..
I will soon fade away..

And this world it may not know me..
It may not even care.
your eyes will never see me..
too ugly for you to dare.

And you may not ever touch me..
feel the heart that beats within..
you may not see the truth behind..
my unforgivable sins.

And soon the light will fade away..
and love will die like lust..
but i was only ever meant to be..
the water mixed in dust..

the water mixed in dust..

You...

And ive been wandering around this life for so long that i think i have strayed so far from the path...its probably hard to get back now isnt it..

but then..what ever would i get back to?

And then sometimes when your lying all alone you suddenly feel that this nothingness that is taking over you is beautiful...and nothing could ever be prettier..nothing could ever be more saintly than the silence that surrounds you until it fills you with such deadening unbelivable mindless fear that you feel like the world my just fall apart with another step you take...

And everything is just so shaky..inside my head..and it feels like im just wandering..and rambling even more as days slip away as im sitting here doing nothing...nothing at all..and i never will do anything substantial now will i?

how many lives have i saved today? { no im not saying im trying to be wonder woman}
but
how many lives have i affected? how many have i destroyed? how many have i made?

does it even matter? Does it matter..? Did it ever matter??

I only sit screaming into the silence of the night..and as moonlight shines onto my skin..i lay my head on the cold granite wall..and as i watch smoke fade away in the distance like you fading away from my memory..like everyone like everything else in this world that is to turn into nothing but a wisp of smoke..I realise..

it doesnt..not anymore if it ever did..nothing matters..not how the birds sing or the people cry..or suffer or rejoice..nothing..not even the innocence of a child...
and i dont have to affect anything..in this world...as long as i have...you..i dont have to please another man on the street..as long as i have you..

And my mind i lost in love...my mind is drowning in happiness...for youve ripped off this mask..of unending caring and concern ..and youve put an end to this show..youve put an end...youve put an end...to everything..

that isnt me.

Nymph I

Run my hand down the cherry tree
Magic,another gift of her lucid hands
Hide unaware,as the blossoms fall
eyes locked,enchanted by her dance

Hips swaying as she bathes in the stream
caressing,dragging her hands from knees to her lips
runs it through her curly locks that flow
my heart beats,watching in unending bliss

Sits on barren rocks,plays with the water
sing for me dewdrop,lulabies i did never hear
my memories of melodies has slipped
let me hear you sing,let me hold you near

Wake up with the twitter of the little black bird
eyes no longer virgin,thevye finally tasted sleep
turn around,she dancing for me again
but today as she moves,i watch her weep

And by the way her hands touch her body,i know shes lonely
Perhaps she needs another song,another set of feet
i need her,i need her,to taste her,to have her
run out of my hiding,il dance,il make her complete

Kiss her lusturous lips,as i watch her dissolve
lost,to become one with the rushing stream
fall into the water,let my tears fill you up,
my spirit,my nymph of broken dreams

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nymph Part II

Nymph ~ Part II ~
Kiss her lusturous lips,as i watch her dissolve
lost,to become one with the rushing streamfall
into the water,let my tears fill you up,
my spirit,my nymph of broken dreams

Torn and shattered,clutch madly at the water
damn youre liquid skin that slips through my hands
giving up is something that i'm too scared to do
letting go is something il never understand

Burns within the fire to touch you
shiny purple lips,i am youre slave
rush against the water,its you i seek
finding my way into a dusty cave

Youre voice resounds,the sweetest melody,
this is home,this is heaven,where you reside
as feet splash with joy,as my tune joins you too,
shadows catch my eye,as they descend to hide

Crumpled,why do you hate me?
all i want to do,is fulfil our dream
why do you hide love?why push me away?
when all else you have is this mucky stream?

Look,my hands cold,just like youres
see beneath my outer skin,its blue too,
see my eyes turn to water,when you run away
with you,direction.....devoid,lost without a clue

So come to me,you can cry on this shoulder
i wont dry them out,tonight let them flow
theres so much more out there,so much more pain
but hold me now and i'l never let you know

Kiss her lips,dont you dissolve again
open my eyes to find her,but theyre too blind to see
Clutch my chest,a cry,a smile
my spirit,my nymph,she beats within me...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As tiny drops trickle down my face,
of memories so bitter.... so sweet,
i wanted to hold you,make you whole,
but you were the one who made me complete
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the cold light of the morning...

Watch the moon rush past my eyes,feel daylight setting in,
lying dead, as the sun struggles,pulling in light past the fog
.Eyes restless, awake, though devoid of morning dew,
shake my head and turn away, they were wet all along.

Cold water trickles down, ineffective, I'm, still asleep,
eyes wide open staring, through a void too blank to see.
Crumble, as eyes, kiss reality, too broken to shiver now,
shattered, realize, your lies, did'nt set me free.

Blue birds, pretty, twitter, right by my window side,
but the magic that they hold,now fails to charm my heart.
A hundred masks lay on the floor,forgotten,which you wear,
true at last,but they dont believe,you are only, who you are.

Silence in my mind, thoughts burn holes through empty space,
as you float around in this abyss,what are you looking for?
voices calling onto you,look back, perhaps they care...
this nightmarish reality you made,wont let you anymore.

In the cold light of the morning, your lies begin to sting,
yet long to lay by your lap, hair loves your gentle stroke.
And i love the way you whisper dreams,it kills they only betray,
but the night still sees me happy,building castles of smoke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Like getting up from a pretty dream you never had.

Sasha.

Thinking of you...
Running enchanted, beneath a broken sky
wind lifts you higher with each step you take.
Hand in yours, dont you, leave me behind,
my heart only beats with each breath you take.

Your voice cuts through the fiercest silence,
through nights that send tremors down my spine.
In a world so ugly that it burns my eye,
with your voice love, Im glad, Im beautifully blind.

The Greed for your smile,pierces through my heart,
fears turn to vapour,tears turn to dew,
Slow dancing on the kitchen tiles,
there could be nothing more beautiful than you.

Drawing faces on the window out of fog you made,
silent, tearless, you watch them fade away.
This world you stand against, you only walk alone,
I just wish you'l turn to catch me following someday.

Sitting in the corner, afraid of the night,
but a lonely room isnt as scary,as a lonely heart.
If you catch my hand and trust, il scare away them both,
Sitting gluing up the pieces as you fall apart.

Dancing in circles, rain strewn across your face,
rage burns as others get to watch a beauty so true
and if i had the an iced heart, Id kill you and myself,
only so that,they couldnt, lay their eyes on you.

Lying on an open terrace,the air devoid of you,
my mind wraps around your face, world at your feet,
Like a coin cut in half,you are the shinier side,
and tonight as i fade away, i still wont be incomplete

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yeah i loves you.