Light..

Bring me. bring me into the light...as i lay here...thinking of you today....and ive only wished..only wished..that you'd be mine and mine alone sometimes when i am overcome by the selfish bitch that i sometimes am..ive only wished sometimes you wouldnt be loved..sometimes it made me happy when you said the others despised you..but i swear it was only cause i thought it was my chance to fulfil everything youve lost..to give you everything youve never recieved and more..and in turn perhaps recieve a lil..a lil love..

and now i sit here with my arms wide open down on the broken floor..and watch you walk by me as though you never noticed..kicking past as the wind gets chilly and you dont offer your coat here any more..

and i know..that i may never get you..and never get anyone...and i may never fall in love..never again if i have loved without knowing..cause im too scared...that once i do..youl probably just run over me..and not even pay me the slight nod you do now...i fear that it would probably be the case with everyone and anyone else..but only cause i fear..only cause i fear..and fears do materialise dont they?


And then this nagging question in my head..Do you love me? do you? like you say you do.. i have you with a handful others saying that they do every other day..whenever theyr eyes happen to fall upon my face by mistake.. and now and then there are these happy arguments of who loves who more....and i might be the worlds biggest pessimestic paranoid idiot right now when i say this but..are they just to shut this shit up?

and i cant..cant help but feel insecure..i can help feeling the way i do..i cant live for my bloody god darn self or pleasure..no im not saying im a sacrificing saint but i cant live until it makes someone happy..i cant live until it makes someone feel loved..i cant live happy..until i feel it..until i feel that the air i breathe is doing someone else some good..

but im still smiling..im still smiling now..and the laughter in my head is reaching a point where it sounds like i have lost every bit of sense that ever resided in that lonely place..but maybe not..maybe im finally seeing things clear for once jus once in my life..maybe now..i know one thing.I dont know love..i have always been this child...i have always been this fool who smiles at the stupidest things..and who cries for reasons worse....

but this time..it isnt stupid..this time it makes sense..i guess..cause i know now....il always have someone to love..il always have someone to pray for..il always have somone to stand behind....and this time on..il try not to wish that you fall...just so thay you see me catch you..