Saturday, September 16, 2017

Letters to a Black Hole...

Light floods in meekly through the windows,
Careful of my mind, careful of the lies,
I whisper to get through the day.

Through the corner of my eyes,
I watch you writhe,
Comforting, like warm rain,
your waves,
of violent passion and calm loneliness.

You’re the only one who
ever echoed my empty
with such precision.
And yet when I look at you
You feel like the hand I’d hold
As I wade through hours of cold water
Finding my way through a
Blank slate of paradise.

Eyes stare, wondering if you are 
the twisted paradise I'm entitled to?
As I shape shift between
the self-loathing saint and happy degenerate.

So tell me,who am I,
Who am I to you darling?
Cause your smile, broken in its corners
Only leaves me a foolish mother.

Walk by quiet houses on the street,
Wondering when they blew the candles out,
Or if light existed at all.
I feel like I’ve been searching all my life
For a door that would make me want to go in.

You catch my eye, with a knowing smile.
And in your gaze, I know, I found a home.
All I want to do
is go through the door of your unblinking stare
All you do is smile,
as I fumble in the dark for a key
you never gave me.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016


Grey pebbles with streams beneath,
shriveled, broken, orange leaves,
frayed edges connected to the bone,

there’s nothing my heart resembles more.

Fingers trail water as I walk on by,

underneath the curtain of a desert sky,
I stare blankly, waiting for the show to begin,
but always false awaken to this elaborate dream.

My last reality, was the breath of you,
body drenched, petrichor, the rain in june,
water streaming down your lips,
Stay, don’t close your eyes,” the record hissed.

Feet move breathlessly, one sense deprived,
each emotion heightened, each smile contrived,
and I wonder how long this ride goes on,tongue numb, 
blue snow and the cold light of dawn.

The sounds of my childhood echo in the wind,
this place, its colors, the stories within
and every scent is perfectly as I dreamed,
everything but me.

Fantasize your return until reality’s bleak,

the breaking ship bleeds an ocean onto my cheeks
as I hang a lantern on my porch to guide you home,
“Jai Gurudeva Om,
Nothing’s gonna change my world,” the record croons, 

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Toe Crusher...

You who lurks in the shadows of my mind,
I haven't forgotten you.
I know that I have tried every trick in the book,
From bribes to wars,
I have coddled you, And cradled you,
In the bosom where you were born.
Clenched, beaten into existence.
I have held you,
On the tip of my tongue,
Through countless evenings,
While I mindlessly,
Licked, sucked and swallowed
Phalli you rendered tasteless.
I'm talking to You,
You, who fled
when hormones and dopamine
Trapped you in a hail storm,
I know where you hide.
But I cannot drive you out
Of your camp at the hippocampus,
while amygdala stares me down
at the gates.
I cannot drive you
Out Of a home that nurtured you,
Built you slowly through years
I wasn't sure you even existed.
But I haven't forgotten you,
You won't let me.
Making sure I hear you run across the field
When fear takes over,
And I shiver,
In the wake,
Of your little earthquakes
till I convince myself you've left the building.

But you're only
Biding your time,
Pulling my strings,
Knowing I'll reach
For any bait you throw my way.
Even though I know you're only
When I'm convinced about my prey.
When I give him a place.
When I undo my buttons.
Until his fingers move into me.
To shatter his ego
and dry me out.
So I can feel my walls tear apart,
Over and over again,
Unable to ever break even.
And he will leave,
Like the Last one,
Hurt, confused and ashamed,
Like I knew he would
Before he came along.
Because we have entwined so long
That the chicken and the egg
Is an easier mystery to solve.
Don't worry, I won't ask you,
Pointless questions,
while I lay here,
collapsed on the blood stained rug .
But know that,
I know where you are,
And I know you
are growing stronger,
Because lately I
walk by your gate
and not want
To take you out.


Sunday, December 27, 2015

Maps of You...

Frazzled hair, tingling wounds,
Smeared mascara, burning heat.
The desert wind snickers slowly,
wipes away, the traces of her feet.

She hums an old forgotten tune,
heat waves sketch a familiar face.
“I knew you’d come to take me home,
darling, let’s never leave this place.”

The moon pulls in, a shiver runs over.
Rushing, she chases the dying light.
Rays slip through, her hair and fingers,
only cold reflection to stay the night.

She awaits the storm, to bring her reason,
a battle to fight, to pass the day.
Her stomach growls, her vision fades,
each day she sees lesser of his face.

Days fade to black, sands turn to seas,
gravity releases her, accepting defeat.
The battle walks away from an unworthy opponent,
she turns to find no steps to retreat.

“Is this death?” She waits with arms wide open
but never rises into the sky.
She has always been a half written song,
suspended in the dying light.


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Do I Wanna Know...

I can Imagine this won't feel good to read, and you'l know its for you the second you take off to the moment you end, so a fair warning, I'm going to "say it, just say it" anyway...Should you listen? Choose wisely.
You, with the lines on the sides of your face,
when you smile,
when you lie down by my side, on the cold floor,
and look into my eyes.
Suddenly old, with that expression on your face,
that expression you call love,
old with a heart that races so fast..
a heart so tired, stuck in your throat,
suffocating your lungs, pushing you forward 50 years a second.

You, with that smile stuck between your lips,    
and your mind on me, rewind and repeat,
obsess, deny, smoke, give in and call
to listen to me rant the night through,
and cry when my breath chokes,
just so I wouldn’t feel alone, just cause you can’t help it so.

You, saying yes to every crazy whim,
by the sea with your hands around me,
as you whisper, you’re beautiful,
shy smile, you’re beautiful,
tied hair, you’re beautiful,
curve of my back, you’re beautiful,
the way I kiss, oh you’re beautiful,
naked in rain and moonlight, you’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful till those words lose their meaning.

Till you tell me I look like I’m pregnant in my new red dress.
Till I spend every second of the evening,
only thinking about having to hold my stomach in.
So Shattered, if you said something mean about me it must be true.
And I’ll cry and I’ll wish I never heard you say
anything good if the bad would hurt
hurt bad.
Cry, till I realise what I said, did and just felt went against every fibre of my being.

You, when you say I love you,
running down the street and in the rain,
tears streaming down your face,
when did those words change me, mould me,
turn me from being the girl you loved to
just...the girl you loved.
And I’ll scream and I’ll question,
as you stare at me patiently.

Patience, how can you say you love me,
when everything I do,
requires you to build an endurance to tolerate.
When did that turn into a beautiful word you can throw out like a compliment..
You, say you never told me how I broke your heart,
cause you constantly chew your words,
bite your tongue and wait.
Patience, there’s a time and place for everything.
But you’re patience didn’t buy me you,
it bought me a reduced, contorted, disfigured form of
a man I thought I loved.
You, Do I even know what that means.

“You’d hate me if you knew how weak I was”
When was it ok to deny me the permission to make my own decision,
When was it ok that someone so weak,
could break something that thought it was so strong.
Move it from No, to a yes, to not being able to resist,
a smiley, a poem, a peck on the cheek
and watch you turn it
into a grope, a tongue and a fuck.

You, I run the streets searching
for you.
As you cross a million cars just to see my face and hear my voice.
“You are all I’ll ever need” you say,
and a beer and you is all I need, right now.
A bad drug, poisoning my veins,
but it’s not bugs I see crawling under my skin,
it’s You.

I’ve got you, Under my skin,
we’ll stare at the moon and the stars by the sea like
so many other nights while Sinatra swoons in the background,
You smile, hum.
I hum, wondering why I can’t understand what Frank’s so happy about.


Monday, May 12, 2014


I Suffocate,
Lips part,
and all my mind can think of,
is the seduction of it.
Poison flows in and out my lungs
accumulating in the corners of my brain
And all I'l wonder is
if glistens on my skin..
What is wrong with me?
I scream,
hoping to add another jewel to my crown.

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
the Bastille guy croons, fueling my confidence,
not that I need it.
That song always played
on a loop,
a loop of my misunderstood mistakes.
Or am the only one who got it right?

*Scoffs echo*

Who was that?
I turn around searching through the haze
Eyes struggling to focus
as fog settles over the trees,
the woods are getting darker than they ever..
"Inside the smoky mind of the perpetually high"
David announces
as my face flashes on the television screen
and text runs across a 32 inch strip.
Tilt my head, cross legged on the barren floor
Perhaps watching myself will help,
and I get lost in her eyes again...

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Black and White...

Absorb The Bad,
Until there's none left in your life,
And everything soaked in your lessons.