Toe Crusher...

You,
You who lurks in the shadows of my mind,
I haven't forgotten you.
I know that I have tried every trick in the book,
From bribes to wars,
I have coddled you, And cradled you,
In the bosom where you were born.
Clenched, beaten into existence.
I have held you,
On the tip of my tongue,
Through countless evenings,
While I mindlessly,
Licked, sucked and swallowed
Phalli you rendered tasteless.
I'm talking to You,
You, who fled
when hormones and dopamine
Trapped you in a hail storm,
I know where you hide.
But I cannot drive you out
Of your camp at the hippocampus,
while amygdala stares me down
at the gates.
I cannot drive you
Out Of a home that nurtured you,
Built you slowly through years
I wasn't sure you even existed.
But I haven't forgotten you,
You won't let me.
Making sure I hear you run across the field
When fear takes over,
And I shiver,
In the wake,
Of your little earthquakes
till I convince myself you've left the building.

But you're only
Biding your time,
Pulling my strings,
Knowing I'll reach
For any bait you throw my way.
Even though I know you're only
Waiting,
When I'm convinced about my prey.
Waiting,
When I give him a place.
Waiting,
When I undo my buttons.
Waiting,
Until his fingers move into me.
Waiting,
To shatter his ego
and dry me out.
So I can feel my walls tear apart,
Over and over again,
Unable to ever break even.
And he will leave,
Like the Last one,
Hurt, confused and ashamed,
Like I knew he would
Before he came along.
Because we have entwined so long
That the chicken and the egg
Is an easier mystery to solve.
Don't worry, I won't ask you,
Pointless questions,
while I lay here,
collapsed on the blood stained rug .
But know that,
I know where you are,
And I know you
are growing stronger,
Because lately I
walk by your gate
and not want
To take you out.

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