3 am...

Its maybe two or three in the morning....i wouldnt know...i dont these days...its just hurting me so much...every second that i spend in this shit hole called home..and there is no one..no one left..for me to break out on .. everyones pretty much sick either ways.. you are perhaps all i have but i couldnt ever do that too..couldnt ever try..cause it would hurt you too much..and i wudnt do that now would i? im not capable of it..plus it might just drive you away too..who knows? who knows?..but it hurts..this thing inside me...and its breaking...and everything ive worked with before to relieve me of this madness.. ive given up on..im sick of the blade..and the pills..though i pop them in every hour or so..and its getting tiresome getting high on crocins and other fucking analgesics..sick sick sick..i wanna shoot something....i wanna catch someones neck and strangle them till they cant breathe...or maybe just for someone to sit me down and smack me across my face and push some bloody sense into this head..now a sane logical person would say i should stop crying shut the fuck up and go to sleep....as my eyes scour my room....i dont see a sane man..i dont see a strong shoulder to break down upon...i went searching for that an hour ago...but i cant talk anymore..the way i used to..i just dont feel it in me..neither do i feel the patience or keeness to listen anymore..and my eyes keep spinning..hopingg to perhaps find something anything..maybe just pop out of nothingness...and hold me...or satisfy these voilent thoughts..or something but..all i see..sadly... all i see is this..perfectly normal...perfectly calm expressionless somewhat pretty kohl eyed sitting crosslegged..unflinching as i throw my tumbler and try to break her..