You Can't Hitchhike The Road Less Travelled...

Five months and eighteen nights have passed,
with an aching in my chest for your laugh.
Eight thousand miles later,
it feels like I'm still searching for that sound.
A reason for you to want to stick around.
One that isn't dressing my failings.

One look,
I'm reduced to a visceral burn to resuscitate hope.
Au Revoir Ambitions!
That rose in my lungs and died in my throat.
Blubbering tears hushing,
Eulogies I penned before you've croaked
and elegies for my house of straw
that rotted before it went up in smoke.

Oh but,
there's a hammock where I now live,
in the nugatory purgatory of everlasting guilt,
the only pit stop between fight and flight,
Thirty years and three months, I finally decide -
the first ride that arrives, whatever the fate.
Who knew that buses were always late.

~~~

Caim...

Like a flat rock skimming still water

You disappear into the night

Soul, smothered, Lazarus?

Or are we always running out of time?

Do our songs never find a melody

Cause I’m always looking for a line?

I miss the smile settling in the corner of your eyes

The last drag before I escape your sight

The subtle devastation in your voice

When you cleared your throat to say goodbye.

Do I always eclipse before sunrise

Because you are my solitary light?

Free Churro

The party’s over

It’s been over for sixteen songs or so

And I’d like to show everyone the door

But the ones that meant shit -

they left a long time ago.

Thread by thread

Like a hand-knit sweater

Coming apart.

Sinking into a sea of solo cups

I wonder if they just mean something

cause they respected themselves enough to leave.

~

I remember when I was sixteen

My mom would leave home dramatically

She’d lock herself outside

and weep in the corridor, motionless.

What are you doing? I’d say

And she’d say

“I have nowhere else to go”

I spent a good deal of my life

Never wanting to be her

All this while she was burning into my brain

That people never truly leave

She was wrong

Or maybe I’m just mad they beat me on my way out

I’d watch her come back in after an hour

And she’d sink back into the couch

Pull at the little bit of yarn she had left

And start knitting again.

~

It’s funny how

you wake up one day and

It’s been 13 years already

But I’m not fighting to justify every second anymore

The resilience is quieter now

Bathed in apathy most times and

For some

I just really want to feel myself combust

Like stubbing a cigarette on the grass and watching it

Rage into a wildfire across California.

Burning a hole outwards

Always outwards.

Emptiness always begins within.

~

Three years ago

My mother handed me a scarf

The colors mostly faded except one end

Which was a bright sapphire blue.

“I couldn’t understand

How to construct a neck”

I’m just glad somewhere along the way

She learnt to construct a spine.

After all that thread

She saved up pennies for

Wasted

Ever so slightly
She grew up

~

I read a meme the other day

It said that growing up meant knowing

You’re toxic too.

And I,

I guess I don’t even know what self-awareness means anymore.

It feels like

I’m outside the window of my own life

Looking in

And nothing’s on TV.

You sit there on the couch you bought

In the house you built.

You still have nowhere else to go.

Head stripped to strings

Thread by thread

You wring your own neck.

And I just wish you had used it

To throw her a line instead.

Letters to a Black Hole...

Light floods in meekly through the windows,

Careful of my mind, careful of the lies,

I whisper to get through the day.

Through the corner of my eyes,

I watch you writhe,

Comforting, like warm rain,

your waves,

of violent passion and calm loneliness.

You’re the only one who

ever echoed my empty

with such precision.

And yet when I look at you

You feel like the hand I’d hold

As I wade through hours of cold water

Finding my way through a

Blank slate of paradise.

Eyes stare, wondering if you are 

the twisted paradise I'm entitled to?

As I shape shift between

the self-loathing saint and happy degenerate.

So tell me,who am I,

Who am I to you darling?

Cause your smile, broken in its corners

Only leaves me a foolish mother.

Walk by quiet houses on the street,

Wondering when they blew the candles out,

Or if light existed at all.

I feel like I’ve been searching all my life

For a door that would make me want to go in.

You catch my eye, with a knowing smile.

And in your gaze, I know, I found a home.

All I want to do
is go through the door of your unblinking stare
All you do is smile,
as I fumble in the dark for a key

you never gave me.

Alice...

Grey pebbles with streams beneath,
shriveled, broken, orange leaves,
frayed edges connected to the bone,
there’s nothing my heart resembles more.

Fingers trail water as I walk on by,
underneath the curtain of a desert sky,
I stare blankly, waiting for the show to begin,
but always false awaken to this elaborate dream.

My last reality, was the breath of you,
body drenched, petrichor, the rain in june,
water streaming down your lips,
“Stay, don’t close your eyes,” the record hissed.
Sigh.


Feet move breathlessly, one sense deprived,
each emotion heightened, each smile contrived,
and I wonder how long this ride goes on,tongue numb, 
blue snow and the cold light of dawn.


The sounds of my childhood echo in the wind,
this place, its colors, the stories within
and every scent is perfectly as I dreamed,
everything but me.

Fantasize your return until reality’s bleak,
the breaking ship bleeds an ocean onto my cheeks
as I hang a lantern on my porch to guide you home,
“Jai Gurudeva Om,
Nothing’s gonna change my world,” the record croons, 
Sigh.

Toe Crusher...

You,
You who lurks in the shadows of my mind,
I haven't forgotten you.
I know that I have tried every trick in the book,
From bribes to wars,
I have coddled you, And cradled you,
In the bosom where you were born.
Clenched, beaten into existence.
I have held you,
On the tip of my tongue,
Through countless evenings,
While I mindlessly,
Licked, sucked and swallowed
Phalli you rendered tasteless.
I'm talking to You,
You, who fled
when hormones and dopamine
Trapped you in a hail storm,
I know where you hide.
But I cannot drive you out
Of your camp at the hippocampus,
while amygdala stares me down
at the gates.
I cannot drive you
Out Of a home that nurtured you,
Built you slowly through years
I wasn't sure you even existed.
But I haven't forgotten you,
You won't let me.
Making sure I hear you run across the field
When fear takes over,
And I shiver,
In the wake,
Of your little earthquakes
till I convince myself you've left the building.

But you're only
Biding your time,
Pulling my strings,
Knowing I'll reach
For any bait you throw my way.
Even though I know you're only
Waiting,
When I'm convinced about my prey.
Waiting,
When I give him a place.
Waiting,
When I undo my buttons.
Waiting,
Until his fingers move into me.
Waiting,
To shatter his ego
and dry me out.
So I can feel my walls tear apart,
Over and over again,
Unable to ever break even.
And he will leave,
Like the Last one,
Hurt, confused and ashamed,
Like I knew he would
Before he came along.
Because we have entwined so long
That the chicken and the egg
Is an easier mystery to solve.
Don't worry, I won't ask you,
Pointless questions,
while I lay here,
collapsed on the blood stained rug .
But know that,
I know where you are,
And I know you
are growing stronger,
Because lately I
walk by your gate
and not want
To take you out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Maps of You...

Frazzled hair, tingling wounds,
Smeared mascara, burning heat.
The desert wind snickers slowly,
wipes away, the traces of her feet.

She hums an old forgotten tune,
heat waves sketch a familiar face.
“I knew you’d come to take me home,
darling, let’s never leave this place.”

The moon pulls in, a shiver runs over.
Rushing, she chases the dying light.
Rays slip through, her hair and fingers,
only cold reflection to stay the night.

She awaits the storm, to bring her reason,
a battle to fight, to pass the day.
Her stomach growls, her vision fades,
each day she sees lesser of his face.

Days fade to black, sands turn to seas,
gravity releases her, accepting defeat.
The battle walks away from an unworthy opponent,
she turns to find no steps to retreat.

“Is this death?” She waits with arms wide open
but never rises into the sky.
She has always been a half written song,
suspended in the dying light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do I Wanna Know...

I can Imagine this won't feel good to read, and you'l know its for you the second you take off to the moment you end, so a fair warning, I'm going to "say it, just say it" anyway...Should you listen? Choose wisely.

_____________________________________

You, with the lines on the sides of your face,
when you smile,
when you lie down by my side, on the cold floor,
and look into my eyes.
Suddenly old, with that expression on your face,
that expression you call love,
old with a heart that races so fast..
a heart so tired, stuck in your throat,
suffocating your lungs, pushing you forward 50 years a second.

You, with that smile stuck between your lips,    
and your mind on me, rewind and repeat,
obsess, deny, smoke, give in and call
to listen to me rant the night through,
and cry when my breath chokes,
just so I wouldn’t feel alone, just cause you can’t help it so.

You, saying yes to every crazy whim,
by the sea with your hands around me,
as you whisper, you’re beautiful,
shy smile, you’re beautiful,
tied hair, you’re beautiful,
curve of my back, you’re beautiful,
the way I kiss, oh you’re beautiful,
naked in rain and moonlight, you’re beautiful,
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful till those words lose their meaning.

Till you tell me I look like I’m pregnant in my new red dress.
Till I spend every second of the evening,
only thinking about having to hold my stomach in.
So Shattered, if you said something mean about me it must be true.
And I’ll cry and I’ll wish I never heard you say
anything good if the bad would hurt
hurt so...so bad.
Cry, till I realise what I said, did and just felt went against every fibre of my being.

You, when you say I love you,
running down the street and in the rain,
tears streaming down your face,
when did those words change me, mould me,
turn me from being the girl you loved to
just...the girl you loved.
And I’ll scream and I’ll question,
as you stare at me patiently.

Patience, how can you say you love me,
when everything I do,
requires you to build an endurance to tolerate.
When did that turn into a beautiful word you can throw out like a compliment..
You, say you never told me how I broke your heart,
cause you constantly chew your words,
bite your tongue and wait.
Patience, there’s a time and place for everything.
But you’re patience didn’t buy me you,
it bought me a reduced, contorted, disfigured form of
a man I thought I loved.
You, Do I even know what that means.

“You’d hate me if you knew how weak I was”

When was it ok to deny me the permission to make my own decision,
When was it ok that someone so weak,
could break something that thought it was so strong.
Move it from No, to a yes, to not being able to resist,
a smiley, a poem, a peck on the cheek
and watch you turn it
into a grope, a tongue and a fuck.

You, I run the streets searching
for you.
As you cross a million cars just to see my face and hear my voice.
“You are all I’ll ever need” you say,
and a beer and you is all I need, right now.
A bad drug, poisoning my veins,
but it’s not bugs I see crawling under my skin,
it’s You.

I’ve got you, Under my skin,
we’ll stare at the moon and the stars by the sea like
so many other nights while Sinatra swoons in the background,
You smile, hum.
I hum, wondering why I can’t understand what Frank’s so happy about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yearning...

I Suffocate,
Lips part,
and all my mind can think of,
is the seduction of it.
Poison flows in and out my lungs
accumulating in the corners of my brain
And all I'l wonder is
if glistens on my skin..
What is wrong with me?
I scream,
hoping to add another jewel to my crown.

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
the Bastille guy croons, fueling my confidence,
not that I need it.
That song always played
on a loop,
a loop of my misunderstood mistakes.
Or am the only one who got it right?

*Scoffs echo*

Who was that?
I turn around searching through the haze
Eyes struggling to focus
as fog settles over the trees,
the woods are getting darker than they ever..
"Inside the smoky mind of the perpetually high"
David announces
as my face flashes on the television screen
and text runs across a 32 inch strip.
Tilt my head, cross legged on the barren floor
Perhaps watching myself will help,
and I get lost in her eyes again...

Black and White...

Absorb The Bad,
Until there's none left in your life,
And everything soaked in your lessons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Torn Shoes...

My soul’s like an empty book,
lying on the table,
like your heart,
with blocks,
like ink blots,
I try so hard to erase.

My mind is crashing,
I wish you wont.
I wish you would,
Just get back up on your feet and 9 toes,
and walk, like the strong man I once knew, again.

Blowing smoke into cold air,
trying so hard to recede,
as I skip my pills
and skip my meals,
just to win this race,
get there faster than you.

 

And every detail,
from the way I sleep,
to the way I speak,
the mistakes and the arrogance
I ape, like a child playing mirror,
shiver,
as my dreams rush in a frenzy,
paralyzing me,
trying to cover everything,
you could possibly dream of.

 

And it’s as though I’m trying to,
create a bind,
like we were meant to belong,
like we shared a heart,
and shared a brain,
and would lapse together,
and breathe again,
as air hit our conjoined lungs.

 

My soul, its just,
an empty book,
with lines running across,
like train tracks,
and I sit immobile by the sides,
with bated breath,
tired of feeling like I’m going to get hit,
and all it takes,
is for you to run across,
and I’ll run behind,
with arms stretched out,
in the cold air,
without a sound,
never looking back.

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted via Blogaway

Shiver...

The Acid burned the linings of your skin,
as you stared at me,
with dark eyes and torn hands.
Doe eyes.
I kissed your neck,
you said it made you shiver.

I wondered if I was hearing things,
as I ran my tongue down the outline of your face,
Tracing the bones on your shoulder,
listening to the rhythm your teeth chatter in the distance.

Bite.
The taste of forbidden fruit,
Citric,
Coursing through my veins,
Stripping down the heap of cloaks,
around my heart,
Until it hung, naked,
like the brightest ruby, strung from a thread,
Like an albatross around my neck,
and you watched me,
Shiver.

Of Cyanide-Like Nectar...

My Heart is like the wind tonight,
Cold and damp,
for a second, almost still,
as I watch fire rush down my veins,
onto my fingertips,
and turn into wisps of smoke,
fading into oblivion,
like a faulty firecracker.

“Potion for your chills”, the Glass Beckons,
Warm, Trickling down my throat,
my demons stir, in the centre of my chest,
diminishing my brain and inflating my liver,
as I dance to songs never meant to be played.

Salivate, my Lips part,
I feel a million hands, move,
all over me, pining me down,
lifting me up,
and each holds a face, yet not one, a soul.
So I let them feed on my depleting portions,
as the filthy game ensues,
And I can’t recall the day, this pain became pleasurable.

Toes fidget as I writhe in my bed,
I hear noises in my sleep,
Ghosts pounding on my walls.
Mocking me, as they pass through my door,
Smirking as they draw the air out of my lungs,
as they Sit on my chest,
and Smack their Lips.

And I wake, gasping for breath,

“Your Alive”, the Mirror whispered
And the ugly reflection it was many yesterday’s ago,
is now an old friend.
Faint smile and accepting eyes,
we stare at each other,
two strangers on a desolate island,
with no way ahead but to fall in love,
even while they reminisce of their girl,
who etched hearts of fog on glass,
and smiled like the sun.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
The clock is still ticking in the distance,
like a time bomb, waiting to wipe us all out,
Fearless, I’m almost dead inside,
“Were you Ever Alive?” -  A Faceless Shadow in the Dark,
I wonder,
As I lie,
awake, alone,
In the City that Never Sleeps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frozen Hourglass...

I feel like water,
flowing into the wind.
running in circles
hollow within..

I feel like a desert,
like heaped up sand,
you keep digging up layers,
and never hit the land.

And I feel like, the world is spinning round,
and I'm still standing, chained to solid ground,
waiting to fall down,
into your arms.

The sky moves a distance,
the lone vagabond,
and I'l stare and I'l wonder,
if that was me all along.

Waiting for the dream,
Waiting for the high,
Waiting for the life that
Just passed me by,
Living for the chase,
Waiting for a home
Waiting till I realise,
I'm waiting all alone.

And I feel like, life keeps you floating around,
you can't reach the shore, but it won't let you drown,
and I'm still standing, chained to solid ground,
waiting to fall down,
into your arms.

Slow Dancing In a Burning Room...

I could watch the sky from a distance
and never belong
stuck like all those dreamers
who slept too long

Id rather follow your scent, blindly
than risk not being in your arms,
and I'l hope the waves will hold me,
and tomorrow never comes.

And It's so beautiful, how your waist fits,
that groove right there,
the hand that's sliding round my hip,
the one that tousles my hair.

The fire lighting up your eyes,
the one that's circling the room.
And I'l swing as I hold my breath,
save the air that's left for you.
__________________________________

And we'l wait slow dancing,
in a burning room
cause I'm too scared to get outta here
and keep living without you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heart Burn

I have wasted a million lives roaming around this arid abyss searching for what might only be a sign, a lie, that says everything will be alright.
I haven't found a moment of rest or peace
Or perhaps just too much of it.
To the limit that I feel a certain sense of unrest that captures my system and makes me feel like I'm trapped within my own body, like I'm arrested within my own being and I've swallowed the key. And I'l think of those mental men I used to see on TV. With hair quite like mine and eyes just the same. And beyond this make up and mascara I probably look as insane.
I want to Scream and run, run wild, like the beast within me. But these hushed voices and timid walks attempt taming my spirit. Can I feel it begin to break?
As the land slowly turns to dust and disappears,  running slowly inwards towards my feet pulling into oblivion without letting me .
Without even getting to light something on fire as I explode.

Our Little Cock-le Boat...

Close my eyes, and breathe,
I can hear the rain creeping through trees.
But the ceiling fan plays games in circles,
Mocking, as it sells slaps for dreams.

The sky drowned slowly in nothingness,

like a black hole, without deaths kiss.
Like dark, without the suction of light,
Or is that just my heart?

And I’l listen as you rustle leaves,
softly treading while I sleep.
and I wouldn’t hear you from our bed,

But I was scurrying out our door again.

I run home smelling like your perfume,
the wind blows you back into my room,
Your tongue turns as I gasp for air,
your shape that fits perfectly, that groove, right there.

But the sun brings the dawn of new hands,
And I find myself clinging to another man.
Who will sense my spirit as it writhes, as it glides,
leave my hands with a smile, I can’t deny.

And I board his plane to zenith, hit nadir instead,
“I’m busy, I’l fuck you, next  time”, he said.
And I’l juggle two halves, not willing to choose,
I’d rather rape ego, than ask, for either of you.

So night returns me to our window, with my lips sealed,
lost in the loneliness of the bats screams,
and we run around and have sex in this bush for hours,
wanting each other, cause it can’t be ours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Passive Smoking...

There once was a time when I'd be dressed on this day...dancing and running down the stairs when the moon came up. Happy like nothing in the world could ever make me sad. It was because of you. Only for you.
They said what are festivals when you have none to share with..I say what are festivals when you dont feel alive, even if it is the celebration of all things dead?
And you left and I feel like the airs sucked out, of my room, of these four walls that contain me. In all its glamour it wont adorn a life or a mirror upon its wall, for what have I to see?
And the past haunts and its only dust, that infects my lungs and kills me but I dont have the joy of jumping around in the mud and creating it anymore.
Of rolling in the sand and into the sea like the world was free to be mine and mine alone cause I was a part of you, or you a part of me and we didnt have to split our property and live in isolation on two desolate continents or what could only be named empty.
I wish you were here, Id be at the cemetary today, possibly taking names..or dancing and chanting around a fire while i was dressed in garish make up and blood dripping down my lips. I sound possibly insane to any reader, if any reads this..but I know this would make sense to you.
So sad I want to gorge on someone's blood and kill them and I dont have the pleasure of being a vampire.
Only passive smoke my darling.
Happy Halloween.

Cold Showers...

In the cold light of the morning,
there you are standing up my dreams,
and I try to hold it just a second longer,
just to see you smile then fade away.

Trickling down my body like cold water,
not sure I could take it, but too painful to resist,
And i can smell the hope and faith mix in blood and soap,
as you wash it down my drain and cease to exist.

Looking into that ugly mirror,
I see a reflection of white kissed blue,
and when this ice heart melts in shades of red,
I  can only search for the fire that is you.

And in some unseen territory,
I imagine the source from where your light shines through,
but as fiction builds inside my lonely head,
wonder if I really know you.

Sitting on granite, chalking dreams,
theres a comfort this cold floor cant deny,
easing into corners, shaken, crawling by the walls,
with etches of my fingers beginning to seep in.

Looking past the grill outside my window,
couldnt find myself waiting for this day to begin,
and when Il smile like a child when an airplane goes by
Il still wonder if it were you
Il still want to go home

Somewhere I know I'm really all alone.

~~~~~~~~

Underneath Her Clothes...

Underneath her clothes,
There is a heart, barely beating,
slow, like molten gold,
its virtue, rises and falls.
But is it her face that denies it?
Or her ugly shows through the mask?
the mirror cracks in laughter,splitting,
but nobody ever cared to know.


Underneath her clothes,
there is a woman dying..
But they only see her chest heaving,
not her running out of breath.
And she bends to clutch her knees,
hoping someone would carry her home,
lay her down on a bed to rest,
and for once not hop in.

Underneath her clothes,
theres a will that cant keep fighting,
arms open as she feels it drown,
body sinking in this well.
Underneath her clothes,
theres a child who wants protection,
but no-one turned out the red lights, Roxanne.
And you have no price, to sell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~